I feel like a big crab - all I need are those front pinchers

I don't really know what has me in such a funk but something is getting to me. It's like this weird mix of crabby angry, crabby frustrated, and crabby sad. The kids at work are annoying me some recently. I mean I love them but their violence at the end of last week still has me crabby I think. I mean honestly as much as you overlook it and forgive them and know their reasoning, you can only be hit with things and bit so many times before you get crabby. I'm crabby with being in charge of so many things and feeling like I didn't have like any support. I didn't end up meeting with anyone for supervision or for managers or anything. Those meetings get old but it would have been nice just to be checked on to make sure that there were no huge problems.
I'm sad that Tyler is sick and frustrated that I can't do more to help him. It's also frustrating and sad because the kids only know that Tyler is sick and they ask about him all the time and keep thinking that he'll be back any day. So we don't really have a plan of what we're telling them yet and that's annoying.
The dog is being SUPER bad. She keeps peeing on the floor, chewing up the rug, trying to eat my food, making a mess of things, etc . . . I tried to be nice today. I took her on a walk and let her play in the lake, came back and gave her a bath, and then filled up her food and water. While I'm filling up her stuff what does she do to say thank you? Pees on the rug. Not a very good thank you if you ask me. SO I called Linds and told on Lucy and had Linds give her a stern lecture. She pretty much just stared at the phone and licked it every now and then. She did then go lay down and chew on her bone so I guess perhaps it worked. At least she's all clean. Although I have to say I would have been super lonely if Linds took her. So at least I have some company. And someone to talk to other than just myself.
I don't think it helped that last night I stayed up until 2:00 and had to get up at 5:00 for work. 3 hours - not quite enough to work with kids. I just couldn't sleep. I climbed into bed at 10:30. I just kept chillin in my bed, not sleeping. My mind was thinking, thinking, thinking about things and I could NOT turn it off.
Life is so complicated and full of so many things to think about.
I was thinking a lot about myself (that sounds really self-centered) - who I am, how different I am from high school and even college, who I want to be, what I see in other people that I really wish I saw in myself, how I end up in the friendships that I do, what I really have that's worth offering, etc . . .
I think about all my friends and I can think of all the things that are great about them. But I can think of like one word that makes them stand out and that defines them. I'm not sure that I have something or what I would even want that thing to be. Independent, Optimistic/Happy, Self-Confident, as they say on The Ultimate Coyote "gravity" - it's the person that other people are just attracted to, they just have that personality that makes people just want to be around that person, Talented, a Leader, etc . . . I can think of people I know that match each of those and I guess (as most 22 year olds are) I'm just still trying to figure out where exactly I fit in. What friend am I to you people? Everything I thought I knew about myself somehow got lost in high school and college. Between all the stuff my mom's done, the things my parents say, the things my mom has written about me, the fights different people on the team got in with me, the friendships that have died out, etc . . . I think I've lost a lot of myself and really questioned all the things that I thought I used to like about myself. So now I'm not entirely sure what's left that I like?
I mean I guess does everyone feel this way? Do you all know what it is about yourselves that makes you "you?" Do you know what it is about yourself that you love? And no these questions aren't rhetorical. So if you read this, let me know the answers!
Anyways I know I just rambled a whole lot and it's getting late, but I was hoping that if I put it all down then I would finally get some sleep! Hopefully it wasn't too illogical. So I'm off to attempt that.
By the way I wish you all could have seen me taking skateboarding lessons from the kids at work. It was really hilarious I'm sure. But I really do want to learn. I think it's something that would be a lot of fun to know how to do for real. I'll keep you posted if I break a leg or something!

Quote of the Entry:
"You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down "
~ "When you Come Back Down" - Nickel Creek

Today stunk even more than I thought it would

We're watching Rent tonight. We're kind of on a crazy movie kick. I'm not doing the best job of paying attention though which is no good cause this movie is really hard to understand without paying attention. I love the music from it though.
Having three fill-ins was as out of control as I thought it would be. The kids know when to push the limits and try to play staff because new staff doesn't know what they're doing. So kids were really crazy. I did a 25 minute restraint. Well let me rephrase that, I did 25 minutes of about a half hour restraint before my arm that I was leaning on was shaking so bad that I had to switch out. I have a nice dental impression of the kid's teeth on my arm as well as some scratches on my other arm and across my nose, and bruises and bite marks on my knee from where he bit me there. I was pretty mad. The good news is at least the bite didn't break the skin so I don't have to go through the blood work for that.
We had a meeting after work that was the most upsetting meeting I've ever attended there. Tyler, my coworker that I talk about and my best guy friend at work, has been sick for a while and his face has been all swollen up. Finally yesterday they admitted him to the hospital and they think it's lymphoma. We're not sure how far progressed or what treatment (chemo or radiation) he'll have or if he'll be back to work soon or not for a long time or what . . . He's only 24 which is scary. Dan, the other guy I love at work and one of Tyler's good friends, was so upset during the meeting he had to put his sunglasses on. After the meeting he didn't get up. He just stayed in his desk for a little bit. Paula and I stayed to see if he was ok and he just said really softly that he's had it. He's only like 25ish now but when he was 18 he had lymphoma. He had chemo and lost 30 pounds and his hair but is fine now.
So Liz and I are going to try to go see Tyler after we each get off work tomorrow night. So now I'm trying to make lesson plans for his class because I'm subbing indefinitely right now (luckily there's only like 8 days of school left). At the same time I'm trying to run the counselors and have a plan for who's in what classroom, who's doing transports, etc . . . It's a little overwhelming. I feel like I'm trying to run 30,000 different things at the same time.
So anyways I'm feeling completely stressed out and I'm hoping that things get better.
And my dear friend Ms. Scheitlin is soon on her way to that crazy state of Iowa. So tomorrow is my last night with her. Hopefully I'll have some time with her and not have to stay up too late since I've been getting up at 5:30 every morning this week and tomorrow will probably be 5 so that I can shower and get to work to do my restraint and injury paperwork. It'll be a sad time without her! I will miss my movie buddy. I don't think Lou Lou will do as good of a job. She's a bit high maintenance!
Well I better get back to learning about trees and clouds so that I can run a classroom tomorrow.


Quote of the Entry:
"There's only us
There's only this ...
Forget regret or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today"
~ "Life Support" from Rent

We're on a movie kick . . .

It's been a while huh? Linds and I are watching "Walk the Line." It's really sad so far (although it can't compete with Crash and Mystic River - both of which we watched this week). I hear from Linds though that it has a happier ending. Here are my random thoughts so far:
- Reese Witherspoon has the greatest personality ever in this movie as June Carter. She's one of those people that you genuinely really want to meet and really like. I was really wishing she was someone I knew and was friends with. She's very fun, empathetic, and straightforward.
- His dad is so mean. Why do some people have kids? I mean really do parents have any idea what they can do to kids with their words. That's all it takes to make their child hate him or herself. I mean I know what abuse and neglect can do - I see it everyday - but it's amazing what words alone can do as well. People should really think before they put other people down, especially children. They're kinda fragile like that. It doesn't take much to kill their self esteem.
- Drug addictions are scary.
- It can really suck to be a guy. It's not fair for a girl to hit a guy, but a guy to not be able to do anything about it. I mean honestly what can they do to defend themselves? Yes, most girls are not going to be able to really hurt a guy, but still . . . some may be able to.
- They sing really well in this movie for not actually being singers!
- I'd slap a guy if he proposed on stage in front of a gazillion people.

Supervising is going fine at work. I'll be excited to have Whitey back next week though. Especially since tomorrow I think Whitey, David, and Tyler are all going to be gone. That leaves Paula and I to teach and David to be one of the four counselors. Should be an interesting set up. Apparently I'll be making the lesson plans up for tomorrow as well. And the state is coming to re-license us. Sounds a bit like insanity to me.
Well I should probably write more about my life but I'm super tired since I got up at 5:30 this morning and stayed up to late last night. Tomorrow'll be another like 5:45 morning and I'll be a little nervous about all the stuff I'm in charge of tomorrow (Tyler's class, all the counselors, making sure the kids pick up everything in the house so that the state doesn't hate us, etc . . . ). Thus it's bed time for me!
Oh and on the girliest note ever . . . I broke a nail today at work! That's what I get for not biting them anymore.

Quote of the Entry:
"Words – so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!"
~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

whatever random thoughts I decide to write about today. . .

I babysat for a family tonight with two really cute little kids. The baby is only three months old and I really don't care for babies until they're at least like 6 months old (I don't like that whole breakable thing and that crying but it's hard to always find out why thing) but I actually kinda liked this one. She would NOT let me feed her but other than that she was pretty laid back. Andrew is 3 and he was pretty darn cute too. He did do the whole "NO" thing a couple times but overall a very nice change from the kids who beat me up every day.
Tomorrow is a party for Kaci and Scott in preparation for their wedding. I guess a wedding shower you could kinda say. I don't know what to call it - we're going to drink and play games in the backyard so . . . whatever that's called. I'm excited. I think it'll be a good time.
After watching ER tonight I got to thinking: Why is it that whenever we really need help the most we push people away? There was a tragedy on ER (try not to act too surprised) and Abby was trying to help Neela through it but Neela only wanted to be alone. It was really obvious that she needed Abby but people think they can always do it better by themselves. What is it inside us that makes us push people away when a lot of time what's best is holding onto someone?
I've fallen completely in love with Lou Lou. She's the best dog ever. I don't want Linds to ever live away from me because I'll cry not seeing Lucy. I'll miss Linds too I guess! ;)
Well I better get on that laundry I want to do and then get to bed. I'll more than likely be getting a phone call in about 2 and a half hours from some trashed OT girls needing a ride.
I'm really getting sucked into this episode of Challenge on The Food Network. I love that show. This one is a funny mixture of bread and pastry. Each team has to make like 3 pastries, 3 types of bread, a huge awesome looking bread sculpture and then a sugar and chocolate sculpture. They are just so cool! I am in awe of these people!!!
Anyways I'm off to bed. I miss you girls and I love you!

Quote of the Entry:

"Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me, my friend, I run for life"

~Melissa Ethridge - "I run for Life"
I heard this song for the first time this morning on the radio and was so amazed that there was actually a song about running in Breast Cancer runs. It made me want to find one around here to do!

music makes the world go round

This is an old quiz that I did in HS so I wanted to redo it and see if I had a lot of different answers. Plus you all know how much I love music!

Favorite:

Male Singer - Billy Joel, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Neil Diamond

Female Singer - Martina McBride, Natasha Bedingfield, Kelly Clarkson, Terri Clark, JoDee Messina, Mariah Carey

Other - Better than Ezra, Blessed Union of Souls, Barenaked Ladies, Cake, Black Eyed Peas, Sugarland

Song - oh my gosh how could I ever choose just one - no answer - I love music

Lyric - Well since I quote music almost every day it's really hard to say a favorite. It just kind of depends on my mood.

"We might be laughin' a bit too loud but that never hurt no one" - Billy Joel

"Well all week long I'm a real nobody,
But I just punched out and its paycheck Friday,
Weekends here, good God almighty,
I'm going to get drunk and be somebody" - Toby Keith

Ok, I could go on forever, but I just picked two random ones.

Now, a little more specific.

Favorite:

Pop song: Just Got Paid (N'Sync), West Side Story (LFO), Boy I think I'm in Love with You (Jessica Simpson) Backstreet's Back (BSB)- I decided to go a little old school with my choices b/c who didn't love high school pop

Rock song: Here I Go Again (Whitesnake), Anything Meatloaf - I don't know what exactly constitutes rock

Rap song: anything Eminem, Midwest Swing, Drop it like it's Hot, I'm a Thug, Hot in Here

80's song: Get out of my dreams Get into my car, Wishing Well, Let's Hear it for the Boy, One Night in Bangkok

Country song: That's when I love you, The Beat of a Heart, Paper Angels, At the End of the Day, Tattoos and Scars

Oldies song: You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling, Dancin in the Moonlight, Love the One You're With, Cecelia, My Girl,

Disco song: I Will Survive, Stayin Alive, To be Real

Alternative song: Anything Simple Plan, old school Good Charlotte (Seasons, the Little Things, Motivation) My Friends Over You (New Found Glory)

Love song: It's your Love, Accidentally in Love, Don't Take the Girl, Wonderful Tonight, One Boy One Girl, I Get to Come Home to You


Situational Music-

Something fantastic just happened to you, you listen to: Unbelievable (EMF), Why Not (Hillary Duff)

Something horrible just happened to you and you don't want to feel better, you listen to: Cry Ophelia (Adam Cohen), Long December (Counting Crows)

Something horrible just happened to you and you do want to feel better, you listen to: The Little Things (Good Charlotte), Soak Up the Sun (Sheryl Crow), Dream Big (Ryan Shupe)

It's 3 AM and you're driving home on 270 after hanging out with friends, you listen to: Any of the R Class CDs

You just said good bye to your best friend who is leaving for college, you listen to: Pray for Me (Michael W. Smith) Friends Forever (the graduation song - Vitamin C)

Someone or something has you pissed you off beyond belief, you listen to: Fuck Authority (pennywise), Kick Some Ass (Stroke 9)

You're feeling like a bad ass, you listen to: Boys in the Hood (Dynamite Hack)

You're going to see your favorite band in concert, you listen to: that band all day long

You're feeling mellow: Banana Pancake (Jack Johnson) - really anything Jack Johnson

You just broke up with your boy/girl friend: Break Your Heart-BNL

You're filing out a survey at 3 AM, you listen to: anything on my computer

It's the last song at a dance, you want to hear: umm I always liked Paradise by the Dashboard Lights (Meatloaf) to end with

You are feeling just all around unhappy but not sure why, and want to feel good about yourself again, you blare: Change Your Mind (Sister Hazel), Good Day (Luce) Unwritten (Natasha Bedingfield)

You feel like you're all alone in the world, and are reflecting on you and only you, you pop in: Oh How the years Go By (Amy Grant), Bad Day (Daniel Powter)

You're looking back on a past love/flame/whatever you want to call it, and realizing that you still care for them so much, you sniff along to: 6-8-12 (Brian McKnight), Trying to get over you (Vince Gill)

You never ever want to speak to that past man/woman again, you can be found reciting the words to: How do you tell someone (Cowboy Mouth)

You are so in love that you just seem to fall down, you enjoy: Kiss the Girl (Little Mermaid), It's your Love (Tim and Faith)

You think guys don't care, but you know they really do, you'd think about: She don't know she's beautiful (Sammy Kershaw), Amazing (Josh Kelley), Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney)

For when you are feeling too dependent, you'll listen to: My Life (Billy Joel)

Frustrated is the only word, humming: Blame it on the Rain (Milli Vanilli)

The best dancing songs: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk (Trace Adkins), Get Low (Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz), Like a Prayer (Madonna), Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper)

You hear this song come on and you just have to sing it as loud as you can: Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf), Old Time Rock N Roll (Bob Seger), I Love Rock N Roll (Joan Jett)

The best summer music: Crash into Me (Dave Matthews Band), Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison), Summer of 69 (Brian Adams), Summer Girls (LFO), 6 Pack Summer (Phil Vassar), Hot Fun in the Summertime, Miami (Will Smith)


Well now that I just spent forever doing that . . . that's ok though I enjoyed it even if reading it is a bore for everyone else.
Work still has the same old drama. Today we had an in-service after work that they didn't even tell us about until like noon today. Way to assume that we have no lives outside of work. The in-service was all about dealing with sexually reactive kids and what's normal development and what's not. We discussed what we should do when we catch kids playing with themselves and what not. We actually used a lot more explicit language but I figured I shouldn't do that in my journal.
I also got a call from Whitey saying that one of the kids that had moved on because he was out of control was brought back to the house last night . . . supposedly it's just a temporary 24 hour thing till they find out what to do with him . . . but we'll see.
So tomorrow should be another long day, plus we have our for real meetings tomorrow after work. Yay! (read as much sarcasm into that as you can)
Lou Lou is driving me CRAZY currently. She's randomly being REALLY bad tonight. I put her away cause she won't stop chewing stuff up - so now she's chewing up her pillow.
It's only 9:00 but I'm super tired so I think that I'm going to head off to bed. I bought the book "3 Nights in August" and I'm pretty excited to read it so maybe I'll do that until it puts me to sleep. I'm ready for the weekend again.