Movin on up . . .

Well for anyone who was concerned I have made it to Colorado. It was a loooooong trip and I was quite happy to finally get here. I think my old rowing coach Ahsan said it best in an e-mail to me: "Kansas is more like a continent than a state. It takes forever to get across."
So far things are going quite well. Last night Linds, Audra, and I watched "The Sixth Sense" and dinner was served to me (Tater tot casserole and stir fry vegetables). We had a fun time hanging out and joking around. I think we're going to get along as a house really well which I'm super pumped about (not that anyone could replace my dear friend Halleh).
It's so weird when they go to school and I don't though. I mean I'm not jealous in the least - I can say that with certainty! But it is a weird feeling.
It's cold here - like windpants and sweatshirt cold. Is it like that back in Mo? Or is it just really a lot colder here? I don't know but it's the first time it's seemed like fall is coming to me.
Well I suppose I better get back to actually making progress with all my stuff! Or else there will be no room when the rest of my stuff shows up!

Quote of the entry: ""If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living." ~Gail Sheehy

I was not really expecting all this

Alright this is it. I'm unplugging the computer and finishing packing. I still have a lot to do, yet I need a break. All my nerves and everything have hit me at once and I'm feeling rather sick. I didn't realize that I would get as worked up I guess you could say about all this. I'm so used to going back and forth to K-Ville. And it's not the being away from my family cause that's not part of it at all. I don't know I think packing and moving is just stressful! Let's just hope that I don't throw up in the car or anything. Maybe I'll get a Sprite and some meds along the way!
Well I guess I better quit putting off the inevitible and do the last of the packing which is always the most annoying!

T-minus 12 hours

So tomorrow's the big day. I'm kind of packed up. That's pretty good right? I still need to stuff more things into my car so that hopefully everything else'll fit in the van to get to CO. (everyone cross your fingers!) How do I have so much stuff is what I want to know? I really need to stop holding on to the past and get rid of a ton of junk!
Anyways everyone wish me luck on my trek across a few states. I'm leaving tomorrow around noon and then spending the night at Cousin Kate's in the big LAW. Then departing early morning to drive the other 9ish hours to Fort Collins. So hopefully all will go well. I'm glad I already drove 9ish hours between yesterday and today. My poor car. I hope I'm not being too hard on it!
Jenn's wedding was a lot of fun. I'd tell you more but then I'd have to talk about boring things in my newsletter so I'm holding out till my newsletter next week!
Anyways I watched Desperate Housewives and almost had a breakdown. I know you're thinking, "But wait Jenny that's a comedy" but I can't handle friends living next to each other. I want my friends by me! Not too long till alumni girls! I can't wait!

Quote of the entry: "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky. I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway." ~ "Breakaway" Kelly Clarkson

Blah Blah Blah . . . .

So that nauseaus feeling is back. I've been having it a lot recently. I thought it was due to stress and moving but I'm not really sure anymore. It started like a week ago. And now I start randomly getting really hot and sweaty at times although I don't always feel very hot. And tossing and turning in my sleep every night. I really hope my body pulls itself together cause it's really getting old. So either I have like menopause, an immaculate conception, or I need to get more sleep or something.
So Campo is going to the wedding with me this weekend. So that's exciting and hopefully it'll go well. I've decided to just go Saturday for the wedding cause I don't really feel like going to any scandalous parties. That's just not really my scene so much. I don't think it's really Campo's either!
Well I had grand intentions of writing about packing and my last days at work and my grandparents and my plans for the weekend (saying goodbyes to Halleh, wedding, perhaps a wake, lots of driving, spending time with dad, etc . . . ), and Hot Shots tonight and seeing quite the interesting competition which Halleh will enlighten you about in her newsletter, and how staying at my mom's went. However I'm not feeling well and I'm getting kinda irritable and I think I'm going to actually got take some meds (shocking I know) and head to bed.

Quote of the entry: "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot." - Big Yellow Taxi - there's a couple choices for artists.

Wow I'm incredibly crabby

So today started out ok and really had so much potential, but boy did it landslide since then.
I woke up in a room with some of my favorite people. And was quite excited to get up to talk to the Kirksville girls before they left to head back to the Ville. My twin was the best twin ever last night and then I got to go on walks and have a good talks with Steph and Kim. And Kristin Harkins and Sarah Bernard were craking me up hard core. So overall very exciting that they came. However boo to going to bed with 4 hamburgers and 8 beers left and waking up to nothing. Matt's friends are such polite people.
This morning a group of us went to IHOP, which really hit the spot cause I was starving.
Then Halleh and I wanted to hang out longer so we went to the park. And laid on a park bench and chit chatted and got a lot of funny looks from people. But we were perfectly content sprawled out there and had a grand old time.
Then I came home and that's when things turned on me. Dad made me mad within like the first 30 minutes that I was at home. And then me and Shawn are about to kill each other as Linds can testify to since she was on the phone with me when we were going at it. And of course there's my favorite part of the evening: My room is infested with rollie pollies or however you spell that. Last count 57 had been removed from my room and I'm quite certain that that's nowhere near all of them. So needless to say I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Outwit, Outlast, Outplay

Survivor was great. And best of all (DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THE EPISODE YET AND YOU PLAN ON IT!!!!) they brought Stephanie back!!!! I really hope she wins this time. She was awesome last year and I was so glad we had a female who stepped it up and didn't just let the guys pretend to be the only ones who could do anything. She was really tough and really just I think a strong role model for girls to look up to. So hopefully it'll be an enjoyable season and I'm looking forward to watching it. So thank you Mark Burnett for a lovely evening and thank you Smirnoff for wonderful strawberry vodka for my drink.
Now the president is on and I'm halfway listening to it while I update this and wait for CSI. I think it was good of him to admit that he messed up. I think that's a huge problem with people today. Well one of two that I think are the biggest problems humans have. First responsibility. No one wants it. Most people aren't willing to say, "Oh yeah I fucked up." If I screw something up at work or whatever I just say it. It happens to everyone. What are you gonna do? Just admit it and move on. People at work always place the blame on some other coworker. Really just grow up. Second, which kinda of still relates to responsibilty, is the quick fix. Everyone (well I'm really refering to Americans considering I don't really know what other countries are like) wants things to be fixed just like that. I don't want to work for money, I'd rather just win the lottery. I don't want to actually have to wait to have sex or worry about contraception, I'll just take the morning after pill. I don't want to work out or stop eating as much, I'd rather just have a diet pill that fixed everything. I mean seriously people. Everything worth having in life takes work. That's half of what makes it as great as it is. It takes time and effort. So just do it and quit waiting for it to just magically happen. So that's my take on human problems.
Well now I must get on to CSI. I hope everyone else is happy as I am tonight! The only sad thing at all is I miss my girls.

I get home, 7:30. The house is dirty, but it can wait. Yeah cause right now I need some downtime to drink some red wine and celebrate.

What a great week. I really want to say thanks to everyone for the mail, e-mails, phone calls, gifts, IM's, etc . . . for my birthday!
Today was my last day working at Gateway. I won't really miss the work per se, but I'm really going to miss the people. I went out to lunch with 8 of them, which was a ton of fun and kept me cracking up the entire time, despite the fact that these ladies could all be my mom or grandma! I got a basket full of Mountain Dew and Spaghetti O's cause that's what I always have at work! I also got some really nice cards and some money for Colorado. What great people. How sad. I'll have to come visit them sometime when I'm at home.
So things should be exciting the next few days here as well.
Tonight: Survivor and I'm thinking a drink as well. And then I plan on watching CSI cause it's the 2 hour one that I missed last time. What a nice lovely relaxing night.
Tomorrow: Sleeping late then running errands and some serious work that I need to get done, before going out with my dear friend Halleh!
Saturday: Party at Matt and Sarah and Cariss's. I get to see Halleh again and all my favorite Kirksville people.
I've decided that this summer I've become an incredibly deep thinker. Not that I wasn't always, cause I usually super analyze everything. I was doing a lot of thinking the other day about what defines a person. I was thinking about all the things that I think have a part in me. For example, Catholicism, St. Joe's, rowing, Truman, rugby, etc . . . There are so many smaller things as well that just seem to make up who a person is and I was trying to think about what order they would go in for me. Very fascinating indeed.
Then I was thinking about how amazing it is that people can come into your lives and completely have an effect on you. Sometimes you know people a long time and they help make you a different person. Sometimes you barely know a person, but they can change so much about you. I've decided I get super attached to people and it doesn't really take me long either. I'm just really big on talking to people and being friends with them I guess. I was thinking about how I always miss the people I work with even though I don't even know some of them for very long.
Anyways this post has to go on hold cause I gotta get to Survivor!

It's a great day to be alive

What a great day. I got awesome birthday gifts (although you guys were a bit early) that included stuff for my computer, St. Louis sports keys, When Harry met Sally, a Rice t-shirt, and an Ocean Breeze car freshner. I'm really glad to report that you all know me very well (as I was already hoping was the truth!)- your gifts were really thoughtful and I was super excited. And I got Kate's newsletter which I quite enjoyed reading all about the LAW (I've decided to call it that - just like the STL). Those newsletter are even better than I thought. I love getting them. I had e-mails from Elizabeth, Linds, Patrick, Jenn, and Steph! Unfortunately Patrick can't go to Jenn's Wedding with me cause his cousin is getting married that weekend but it was exciting to hear from him. So now I'm waiting to see about Campo - or else maybe I'll ask Brennan cause I know he had wanted to go. And Steph was telling me all about her life which I love to hear about how she is! And Jenn's wedding is on (for those of you who didn't know Joe was sent to Louisiana so they weren't sure if they'd even be able to get married the 24th but he will be back in time - so I'm sure that took a lot of stress off of them).
Last night was kind of an emotional night and while some of it was justified, I think I was also tired and crabby, but I'm feeling a lot better today. Which is good news indeed.
Well since I'm in a good mood I think I'll go start working on my room. You have to be in a really good mood or a really pissy shitty mood to get things done. Or maybe that's just me. But anything inbetween and I'm kinda blahish and don't accomplish much. Anyways I'm off. But first I think I need a piece of ice cream cake : ).

Quote of the entry: "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." ~ Albert Schweitzer.

I'm a hazard to myself.

Sometimes I think that I like to hurt myself. Or my decisions lead me to believe this anyways. Why I make things so hard on myself I do not know. I always do the one things that is bound to end up getting me hurt and ending up in disaster. Yet no matter how many times I get burnt, I keep playing with fire. Perhaps I've had a concussion or two too many. If anyone has any answers for this feel free to let me know.

Quote of the Entry: "It's no suprise to me I am my own worst enemy. Cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me." ~ Lit, "My Own Worst Enemy"

I don't care what you say anymore this is my life. Go ahead with your own life. Leave me alone.

Billy Joel is the man. Seriously some of the best advice I've ever gotten comes from him.
I don't understand why some people feel the need to judge other people's decisions. Especially if it has nothing to do with you. If I want to take a job that not a lot of other people want to that may not have the best of pay, what does that matter to you? You're not the one who has to do it, so I would appreciate if you'd keep your opinions about it to yourself. I don't criticize your life decisions so I don't want to hear your critique of me.
The RAMS game was horrible today. Incredibly painful to even watch. The Cards lost too, but their game didn't even matter. I went to the Cards game yesterday and it was a good game to attend. We won. And our pitcher Suppan hit his first homerun ever (which most pitchers NEVER hit one). So that was really exciting for him.
I love baseball. Everything about it. The atmosphere. A Bud Light on a hot summer day just watching my boys. And they're just so cute. I love the way they get real excited and give each other huge hugs and rub their heads. I love their big smiles and how proud they are of themselves and each other when they do something great. I love how they pat each others butts. I love how they all come running out of the dugout to jump on the person who hits the game winning hit. It's all just so . . . great - there's really no other way to describe it.

Quote of the Entry: "The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and what could be again." ~James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams

Sex and the City is going to be on like every station soon it seems - not that I'm complaining!

I'm going down to my mom's to go to the Cardinals game and what not tonight. I just talked to her on the phone and now I'm really dreading it. She makes me nervous. I just felt like getting that all out I guess.
And I can take a date to Jenn's wedding and I feel a lot better getting that all worked out! Now I just have to figure out who can come.

Don't be shy girl go Bananza, Shake ya body like a belly dancer

So I went to the mall today to look for a birthday gift for my baby brother who's 20 today. I got him a BBQ cookbook, some spices, and a 6 pack of Budweiser Select bottles. (yes I realize that not all those things were actually from the mall!) I got a new pair of blue jeans. I finally broke down and paid like the $30 for the American Eagle ones. I decided it would be worth it to just buy them there since they're the ones I love and wear all the time. That puts my blue jean count up to 3. I don't even know what to do with myself! Now I'll take 6 minutes instead of 5 to get ready cause I'll have to decide what jeans to wear!
There was a place called "Adopt and Shop" that the Humane Society owns. I went in to look for a little bit and had to leave after like 3 minutes. All these dogs were just laying in their cages. I was almost in tears cause they looked so sad. I'm going to cry now just thinking about it. Well anyways the moral of the story is I wanted to take them all home with me and just love them. Those puppy eyes really got to me.
I've come to the realization that I kinda like teenagers. I've always been one who's loved little kids (2-10ish maybe). But I've decided that teenagers can be pretty cool. I'm not a fan of the "I'm the center of the universe and the world should revolve around me" attitude. But they just take everything so seriously and everything revolves around drama. They are in love with every single person of the opposite sex and gossip about them at all times. They blare the radio and sing as loud as they can. They think that everything about life isn't fair. They push every boundary and limit that they can just to see how far you'll go or let them go. I thought this stuff would drive me crazy but usually it's pretty cute and they're a lot of fun. Things are never dull. There's always something.
Ok well I think I'm gonna go hang with my dad and have dinner. Then either straight to bed or maybe a dance party to clean my room (and you can't say anything cause you know that you all do it too.)

Quotes of the entry (I found a couple today):
"The best substitute for experience is being sixteen." ~Raymond Duncan
"It's difficult to decide whether growing pains are something teenagers have - or are." ~Author Unknown
"Adolescents are not monsters. They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves." ~Virginia Satir

I hate Dusty Baker

So I'm running on about just under 4 hours of sleep. I'm having a hard time convincing myself to go to bed now. However I will be kicking myself hard core tomorrow evening when the kids are out of control and all I want to do is go to sleep. Or even worse I'm doing some mindnumbing task on Friday. I guess I'll have to give myself the same talk I give the kids about decision making and having to live with the consequences of your decisions!
I watched like the most classis Saved by the Bell yesterday. For anyone who ever watched Saved by the Bell - the episode where Jessie becomes addicted to caffeine pills. I think everyone remembers that one!
My little brother turns 20 on Friday and that really kinda makes me feel super old. Of course the ladies at work are like "oh we didn't even know you were 20." Really I don't even usually know what to say to that. "Oh well . . . I am." Usually I'm just like "yeah . . . . I get that a lot." Hopefully it means I'll look young when I'm older or something too . . . wishful thinking right.
Ok I better go to bed for real, I just felt like rambling for a bit. However I'm in a weird mood and I'm afraid it could go sour, so off to bed. To bed I said.

Quote of the entry: "And if you wanna hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." - "Help Somebody if you Can" ~ Van Zant

This is actually serious so . . .

I've come to the realization today that I'm changing. I'm not the person that I was before (whether that means 5 years ago or 5 minutes ago I'm not really sure). I guess I've just come to the decision that it's time to grow up. We're not kids anymore; we can't expect mom and dad to take care of us and fix our problems and we can't worry about just ourselves. There's a whole world out there with people with real problems. The days when the biggest problems were where we were gonna go out to drink at, if we should get Taco Bell or McDonalds, or if everyone on the team liked us or not are ending. The drama that dictated our lives and cause irreparable damage to friendships was really nothing but pettiness, selfishness, and immaturity on behalf of every person involved. Gossipping really does hurt people - no matter how many times people try to justify what they're saying or talking about. Criticizing people behind their backs and focusing on other's faults causes damage to their self esteem and their confidence in themselves and still does nothing to your own ego. Judging people doesn't allow you to see who the person really is. You might miss a potential best friend because you didn't look deep enough. You might miss that you could really help a person or that someone might really need your help. Somtimes the simplest thing can change a person's life. Sometimes having one good talk with a person who really needed it can lead to you being a role model and a hero for someone. You never know. You might be too busy with your own life to realize that there are people who would give everything they could to have your problems instead of their own. Kids who hide food, sleep with water by their bed, can't handle anyone too close, and are sexually active with as many people as they possibly can because they've dealt with trauma that most of us can't even imagine. And this isn't the minority. It's more than anyone realizes.
So it's time for me to grow up. And contrary to the belief that no one wants to grow up, I like it. I'm not a kid. I'm independent and can take care of myself. There are people who trust me. There are people who love me. There are days when I'm someone's hero and days when someone is mine. Life is really cool. And when we look at the big picture it's just overwhelming. It's hard. It's especially hard to see the pain and the bad. But then you see the simple acts - a kid who barely has anything to their name giving something to someone who has even less - and you're changed. You realize that there is good. And as long as there is hope and empathetic people who really want to help others, the world will still be an amazing place.
I'm not trying to call out people or place blame - so please don't think that this is directed towards anyone (cause it's not at all). This is really an examination of my own life. I know that no one changes overnight. I know that knowing the right thing doesn't always make it an easier to do. Words don't equal action. But one step at a time and one day at a time I can replace the old with the new. I can change the negative to a positive. I can worry less about my own life and worry about people who really need it and the people in my life that really matter to me.
There's a whole new generation of kids and teenagers out there and that means that our time is up. The real world beckons - and our days of complaining, drama, and taking insecurities out on others have to go. Don't get me wrong - these things still exist in the adult world. But now hopefully we're working towards being mature enough to choose the alternative route.

Labor Day - Am I the only one who doesn't really even understand what this holiday is about? I mean I know what labor of labor day means but . . .

So I went to St. Louis Mills mall with my mom yesterday. Now when shopping with a mother a normal person might get a t-shirt or something out of the deal. A new pair of pants or shoes if they're lucky. What do I get? Three bamboo sticks for happiness. Woo hoo. I can tell I'm much happier already know that I have these three green sticks in a little blue pot on the kitchen table. My life is looking up I'm sure.
Then I went and met Halleh at Ruby Tuesday's. We were gonna go to a movie however we got there at like 7:40 so we missed all the like 7:00 movies and then no others started until like 9:50. So unfortunately we were there at just the wrong time. So we were like "what can we do now?" The most logical thing to do seemed to be to go drink. So that's what we did - and drink we did. In fact we even had to go for a walk around town before either of us felt like it would be safe for us to drive home. As usual I had like incredible conversations with Halleh. Granted there were points when like both of us were gonna cry (we are very serious people Halleh!) but it was really just a really good talk. And once again on my way driving home I had a mild breakdown about leaving Halleh for CO. I hate to see what happens the day I say goodbye to her!
Work today was fascinating as usual. I could really tell stories about it forever.
Well I was tired from work but in a good mood and I'm suddenly finding myself increasingly crabby as I talk to people tonight. Thus I think it's best to get off the computer and get some stuff done instead. It'll be a busy week with working Tues and Thurs evening and overnight.

Quote of the entry: "Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same, when temptation calls, we just look away. " ~ Barenaked Ladies, "What a Good Boy"

I'm getting so old that I'm already forgetting things!

Throughout the day today there was a whole bunch of random stuff I was thinking I should write in here about. Granted I might have forgotten a bunch of it by now, but I'll give it my best shot.
First of all why do little old women always seem meaner than little old men? I don't get it. The little old guys always seem so sweet and are always smiling, but it's so much rarer to find a little old woman like that. Because I like to be the one to always be the opposite, I plan on being a smiling little old lady. There's no need to scare all the little children with glares!
The homily at church today (which I swear our pastor always knows just what to say to make a point to me) was all about forgiveness and being friends with our enemies. I think God is trying to tell me something - I just don't know what to do though. Any thoughts - please let me know!
I've realized that I'm really going to miss my dad when I move. He's kinda become my best friend here. Well besides Halleh of course! We talk about a whole bunch of stuff and every night we watch TV together and have dinner (Shawn is usually out running the town!). I had a mild breakdown about it the other day, but hopefully after I move I won't have another one.
I've come to the realization that I can't sleep late anymore. This is rather depressing to me!! This was my only day to sleep late cause I have to work both tomorrow and monday at the shelter (which both should be rather interesting). So I didn't set an alarm at all this morning and didn't go to bed till like 12:30 and by 9:00 I could stay in bed no longer. Talk about ridiculous. I was hoping to sleep till like noon! So of course I made myself stay in bed in a hope to fool myself (which sometimes works might I add - I don't really understand how I can fool myself, but I can). However today it didn't work so I decided ultimately to just greet the morning.
I went to the post office today and had to buy some stamps for my dad. I was going to just get the basic flag ones, because really I didn't feel like picking some other random kind out. However when I told the guy they were for my dad he was like "Oh we just got some really cool classic cars ones in. I'm sure he loves cars right!" And I'm over there thinking to myself about how dad could care less about cars, but the worker was so cute and so proud of himself that I had to get the car ones. I brought them home and dad just laughed and was like "oh great cars." So then I had to take a hard time for a while, but I just couldn't shoot down the postal worker. His enthusiasm was just too adorable.
I thought that I might pass out in church today. The AC wasn't working. I wore a shirt and brought a light jacket cause usually church is cold. Then when I'm going into church I realize that my shirt has a hole in it in the seam at the bottom, so I go ahead and put my jacket on. Everyone else in church is fanning themselves with books, bulletins, anything they can find. But not me - I'm sitting there in my jacket trying not to pass out cause I'm worried about having on just a shirt with a hole in it. I bet everyone thought I was real crazy. In fact some people did give me funny looks - and that totally never happens to me so . . . .
Well I thought I had some other exciting (well that's really in the eye of the beholder I suppose) things to say, but apparently I've forgotten them all. It must be that one drink I had.
Well I hope everyone is having great nights. I miss you girls. I wish we were out at Dukum now!
(But then again, you old 22 and 23 year olds probably couldn't keep up with a young whippersnapper like myself.)

Quote of the entry: "Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." ~ Red Auerbach