You live. You learn.

But do you really? I mean I guess you learn but does anything you learn really help you in the next situation? I've been thinking about things - life in general I suppose - a lot recently. I know . . . I'm such the existentialist.
Do we learn from our mistakes? Do we learn from our experiences? Every time I think I handle things differently it seems to me later that the outcome is very similar to that of other situations. What is the logic behind that?
I'm beginning to believe the philosophy that there are no constants in life. That everything in the world is shifting and changing and growing all the time thus making it impossible for anything to remain stagnant. And I have to say in all honesty that I'm a little tired of it. When do we ever get to stop changing? When do we get to find out who we really are and retain the friendships that we have instead of constantly "outgrowing" friends and even ourselves? Don't be offended by the upcoming statements but. . . I thought that despite the amount of times I actually forewarned people that we would never stay friends after college, I really thought that we would. That it would be different than highschool. I guess that was really just more my coping skills at work trying to convince myself to not count on things so that way when it doesn't work out then I'm not at a loss. I'm afraid that I'm not seeing much of a difference between now and highschool. It's not that we don't try or that we don't feel a lot for each other, it's that age old wisdom that things change. And I'm already sensing it and with some people seeing it in the works. What does our future hold? 5 years from now will we see each other other than the once a year Homecoming game? I mean yeah newsletters are great but when will people start getting bored with that? Will we really keep it up? Why does "growing" always seem to be code for "growing apart?" What ever happened to growing together?
Do opposites really attract as friends or is that just fine for a while and then you go back to the ones who are like you? I've tried both types and I've yet to figure out which works better. Lauren was basically my twin. We thought the same thing about everything and that worked for us. We laughed about the same things, we cried about the same things, and there was no arguing really because we shared the same viewpoints and ideals. It really wasn't till we started turning into opposites that things became a problem. Lindsay is much more my opposite and that worked too. I mean I'm not saying that we never agree or anything but we're different on so many levels. But the question is I guess: is there a point where people become "too opposite?" Will that day come?
I've started gravitating to some people at work. I really feel comfortable around some of them. But I've noticed I tend to pull more to the ones that are similar to me: the ones closer in age and seemingly life situation. What does this tell me?
I feel so different than you guys as a whole. And maybe that's just me being distorted, but that's the way I often feel. While I feel really close to all of you and that when we're together I feel like I do play some sort of role in the group (although I'm not positive what this is or if it's a unique role or a "replaceable" role that really anyone could fill), I sometimes feel like the outsider. And maybe everyone does in their own sort of way. I guess I just feel like my life is so different from so many of yours. And I know that no one has the same life and everyone is going to have different situations and is going to be changed by different things that take place during their lifetime, but some people are more different than others. Does everyone carry around this same "together yet really alone" feeling?
So where does all of this leave me? I have not the slightest clue. Change is inevitable as are differences. It's what makes life continue on and each day something new and exciting. But is all this really necessary? Would we be just as happy without all of it?
Frienships start, change, and die. Some at faster rates than others. Is there a secret to this rate? What actually decides which ones go faster and which ones stand a chance? Why can we be really hurt by and upset with our closer friends for the tiniest things they do, yet we can forgive and forget at astonishing rates grievances of our more general friends? Is love really ever enough?
And most importantly of all . . . Why is high altitude cooking so much more difficult than at normal levels?
I'm sorry to be a downer but you know us psych people - we can't help but spend all our time thinking and analyzing. It's what I do.
I also apologize if you really don't care or understand my rambling thoughts or if you were offended by anything in it. Feel free to close my journal quickly and proceed with your normal evening activities.

Quote of the entry:
"Communication is a lot like the wind when I speak.
It's like no one understands, and I'm left with empty hands,
Forever I can't speak.
So many things I'll never learn.
You can't cross bridges that you've burned.

Why is life such an issue in your mind?
Why are the answers to my problems hard to find,
So hard to find?"
~ Good Charlotte - "Screamer"

I decided since Kate took the time to do this . . . and I haven't done one in a while . . .

Time started: 12:16 PM
Birthday: September 13
Siblings: Shawn
Eye color: Hazel
Shoe size: umm maybe 9 and a half - I haven't bought new shoes in a while
Height: 5' 6"ish
Innie or Outie: Innie
What are you wearing right now: gray warm pants, Beer-a-thon t-shirt, purple Truman Homecoming Sweatshirt, white socks
Job: Education Counselor
Where do you live: Fort Collins
Righty or lefty: Righty
Can you make a dollar in change right now: Definitely - I have a ton of change
Who are your closest friends: I think that's already well known
Did you send this to your crush? Nope - I don't really have one currently
Best place to go for a date: umm not a movie - someplace more random like putt putt or the batting cages or anywhere active
Favorite place to shop: Target, the craft stores
Favorite Pants: Currently jeans which is just crazy for me
Favorite color: green (especially lime or hunter)
Favorite Number(s): 13
Favorite Boys Name: Joshua, Patrick
Favorite Girls Name: Samantha, Madison
Favorite Animal: umm I love dogs
Favorite Drink: Diet Mountain Dew
Favorite Sport(s): Soccer, Rowing, Rugby, Softball
Favorite Fast-Food Place: Umm I guess Wendy's?
Favorite Month: Umm it's a toss up I guess between like August when it's really hot but school was always getting ready to start back up so you always knew you'd be back with friends soon and then December because of all the great Christmas stuff
Favorite Movie: Umm this is hard to say - It totally depends on what my mood is - Maybe like Man on Fire, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, or Sound of Music
Favorite Juice: I really don't like to do the whole juice thing - apple?
Favorite Finger: I guess I'd say pointer finger cause it's very useful and it was one of the few not hurt during rugby
Breakfast: I don't do breakfast - I'm an evening eater
Favorite cartoon character: umm
Have you ever...
Given anyone a bath: tons of kids I've babysat for, my cousins
Smoked: I smoked a cigarette once and will NEVER be doing that again - gross
Bungee jumped: nope
Made yourself throw-up: yep - It's a good talent to have when you've drank too much
Gone skinny dipping: nope
Eaten a dog: no - and I'm ok with that (well except as Kate said Hot Dogs)
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: no, but a kid at work did the other day - bad idea
Loved someone so much it made you cry?: Yep - it happens
Broken a bone: thumb, collarbone, perhaps my middle finger, and then there's that whole rib thing but I don't know if it was ever broken or if it's just in the wrong spot or what!
Played truth or dare: yes, I hate that game
Been in a physical fight: Yep I gave my cousin a black eye and he gave me one too. There was also that time I shoved stupid Kat Mizzou flyhalf a couple times and we were real close to punching if Linds wouldn't have grabbed the back of my jersey, oh and the 30,000 with Shawn
Been in a police car: nope
Been on a plane: yep - multiple times
Come close to dying: umm nothing that I can really think of - maybe Initiation freshman year (or so the Veteran's were worried), also the time I fell off the roof and landed on my head I guess that could've gone terribly wrong, maybe a few more concussions!
Swam in the ocean: yes - I LOVE the beach
Fallen asleep in school: sometimes it's the only thing to do
Ran away: yep walked 8 miles barefoot in the rain to town because I was so mad. Of course my feet were in a lot of pain afterwards
Broken someone's heart: maybe
Cried when someone died: yep I'm a crier
Cried in school: yeah - school could be stressful when you were young
Fell off your chair: who hasn't?
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call?: yep - sadly - but usually I'm watching TV while I wait
Saved AIM conversations: Yep if it's exceptionally good or we talk about something important
Saved e-mails: yep I usually don't delete e-mails
Fallen for one of your best friends?: nope
Made out with JUST a friend?: umm if that means made out with people that you didn't really want to be dating or anything I guess yeah
Used someone: umm I don't think so
Been cheated on? yep, aren't boys wonderful
What is...
Your good luck charm: umm maybe by Cross necklace, My St. Joe ring
Best song you ever heard: that's completely impossible to answer - I think everyone knows how much I like music
Stupidest thing you have ever done: Wow I'm sure there's so many - Umm Ryan Oklahoma since I ran into him like 10 more times?
What's your room like: umm boring, kinda crowded
Last thing you said: no when Linds asked if I wanted anything for the liquor store
What is beside you: couch pillows, diet mountain dew, remote control
Last thing you ate: St Louis Bread Co Asiago Cheese Bagel
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Herbal Essence
Best thing that has happened to you this year: I found some jobs this summer and at Namaqua here cause it's hard to be unemployed, also all the time we got to spend going out and what not our last semester
Worst thing that has happened to you this year: umm I'd say the whole all these people hate me thing at the end of the school year
Have I had...
Chicken pox: yes
Sore Throat: yes
Stitches: yep, more than once
Broken nose: No - it doesn't sound fun
Believe in love at first sight: no not really
Like picnics: yes
Like school: not especially - I'm really big on things that are life important so I only like school when it relates to the real world - when will I need to know calc, or the symbolism in certain books, etc . . .
What schools have you gone to: Umm a public school in Harvester for K, St Paul, Assumption, St Joseph's Academy, Truman State University
Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000: more than likely no
Who was the last person that called you: Linds
Who was the last person you slow danced with: umm maybe Campo - I don't really know
What makes you laugh the most?: kids
What makes you smile?: lots of things
Who is the last person
You Kissed?: Campo
You yelled at: probably one of the kids at work who was being inappropriate or violent
Who broke your heart: Definitely Tom (or at least it felt that way at the time - we were only 17 and things seem bigger then), ummm in a non-romantic sort of way I sometimes feel like my parents do
Who told you they loved you: wait is this the last person? Linds
Is your loudest friend? hmm I don't really know- it depends who they're with and how much they've had to drink!
Do you/Are You...
Do you like filling these out: only when I haven't done it in a while
Do you wear contacts or glasses: contacts
Do you like yourself: sometimes, it depends
Do you get along with your family: umm I don't want to think about it - sometimes I really do, sometimes . . .
Stolen anything over $50: definitely not
Obsessive? sometimes!
Compulsive? ?
Anorexic? previously, every now and then
Suicidal? no
What are you listening to right now? Home Alone 2 on TV
What did you do yesterday: Went to TCI training during the day, went to lunch with some co-workers, watched Prancer, wrapped some Christmas gifts, went to bed
Hate someone in your family: sometimes
Gotten any awards: Not since rugby
What car do you wish to have? I'm not a big car person, something newish that'll get me where I need to go I guess
Where do you want to get married?: a Catholic Church somewhere
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? umm
Good Singer: not at all
Have a lava lamp: no
How many remote controls are in your house: at least 5
Are you double jointed: no
What do you dream about: stuff that is incredibly random and would take forever to explain
Last time you showered: yesterday
The last movie you saw at the theaters: umm I think Madagascar with Sarah this summer - I can't remember anything else since then
Scary or happy movies: happy
Chocolate or white: cake - white, everything else chocolate
Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: eww neither - I'll go thirsty
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Mud - Jello is for eating
Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate for sure
Skiing or Boarding: both are too expensive, I guess skiing?
Fall or winter: Fall - but is summer an option?
Silver or Gold: silver
Diamond or pearl: Umm I guess diamonds
Sunset or Sunrise: I like both, but I guess sunrise
Sprite or 7up: umm Sprite I think
Orange juice or apple juice: apple - I don't like orange juice unless I have to have it
Cats or dogs: Dogs by far - unless it's my mom's cat - that one's pretty cool
Coffee or tea: absolutely neither
Phone or in person: in person unless it's something I really don't want to tell the person - then I may wish I was on the phone
Are you Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Oldest - definitely the best - the mature, responsible type!
Indoor or outdoor: I'd say outdoors unless it's freezing
End Time: 1:18 PM

Well there's an hour of my life out the window - but eh I enjoyed myself. If only I wasn't such a perfectionist!

Things Change Quickly

Home alone again tonight - seems to be a recurring thing. Not so happy anymore. I miss my dad really bad. I miss watching TV with him and having him there to talk to about baseball or hunting or the news or football or the weather or anything. He may depress me sometimes but at least this summer he was always there.
Well "Prancer" is on so maybe if I can pull it together the night won't be a complete disaster.

Things Change

I realized today on the car ride home from TCI training that today I have been genuinely happy. I honestly don't know if I could tell you the last time that I felt that. I mean I've been surface happy or in the moment happy, but I don't think just genuinely all out happy. I even rolled down the windows and sang along to the blaring radio.
I really enjoyed training again today and I went to eat with two of the other people during lunch and we had a great time. One of the girls wants to go out tonight but I don't know if I'll do that or not. I'm really looking forward to training on Monday and Tuesday.
We learned our first type of restraint today - a 2 person standing restraint. I really hope that I never have to do a restraint though. When I was being the youth to help demonstrate how it works and they were restraining me I just kept thinking about how I would definitely be one of those kids that would get more pissed off by being restrained (it helps some calm down faster). But anyways I'd be kicking and screaming and rather angry - I feel quite certain.
Anyways I don't even really know if I know what it is that made me happy or if it just happened or what, but I'm certainly OK with that. I really hope it just stays with me for a while. I could use some full out happiness.

Quote of the Entry: "The road to happiness lies in two simple principles; find what interests you and that you can do well, and put your whole soul into it - every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have."
~John D. Rockefeller

Abby's Pregnant!

Unfortunately I missed almost all of ER cause my mom was on the webcam - but I saw that at the end! How exciting!!! It definitely warranted a blog update - especially since Linds isn't home so I had no one to discuss this with!

Christmas is coming, The Goose is getting fat

Linds don't you love that song - Good times travelling to Columbia with the old girls!
Things in Colorado have started looking up some. Mainly cause I really love my job. I may be crazy cause it is definitely a challenge every single day that I am there. But the kids just - I don't know - I still quite enjoy them. Plus I'm starting to like a lot of my co-workers, I get paid to go to trainings (that a lot of places that I would consider working at want you to have - plus they TCI one I'm in now is very informative and will be helpful), I got a Christmas bonus (mine wasn't for that much but I've only been working there for like less than 2 months so . . .), and we're getting Namaqua long sleeve shirts - All very happy things to me. So those things will help me get over having my hair pulled last week, getting bit yesterday, and wiping out on the patio and bruising my knee cause I was trying to get a kid to time-out and the snow was slick.
Survivor made me very happy tonight I want you all to know. Cindy was voted out and Danny and Rafe are looking like they're in a pretty good position right now. YAY - now I just have to figure out how to watch the Survivor Finale and Sunday night TV. I think that we're going to need to find a friend to tape something for us.
TCI (Therapeutic Crisis Intervention) training was really rather fun today. Although the supervisor that I wrote about that makes me nervous was doing training today too (cause you have to redo it like every year and a half) and of course we were paired up like every time! First cause we were sitting next to each other, then we lined up by height and we were paired (we were the exact same height), then we were lined up by birthdays and we were paired (our birthdays are only 5 days apart), etc . . . It was kind of out of control and a little bit freaky. I really do like her though so . . . I'm just always nervous that she doesn't like me. But I'm starting to feel a little better around her. We learned a lot of info about relating to the kids though and also ways to like protect yourself and how to get out of things like someone pulling your hair, trying to choke you, pulling on your arm, punching at you, biting you, etc . . . So if any of you try anything I'm prepared!
I mailed out the first round of Chrismas gifts today - 6 packages for around 12 dollars. However some were a little more expensive to mail (cough Elizabeth cough). Although I still haven't sent some so I'll have to get on that soon. And Kate I hope that you're going to still be at school for a bit cause I sent yours there!
So did everyone read on CNN about those brothers that died in separate car crashes like 15 minutes apart from each other in the same city. How sad? They lived with their dad and they were his only 2 kids: 23 and 21 I believe. What are the odds?
Well I think it's best that I stop here cause I realized that if I keep it up my newsletter will be super boring! And that wouldn't be any fun would it. I'd hate to bore you later!

Quote of the entry: (Sometimes I think this song sums me up)
"No one thought that I'd jump off that rocky ledge
So I did, and I broke my leg
And I let Jim Beam tell me I could take some guy
Twice my size, but old Jim lied
I can't pretend that I aint been my life's own wrecking crew
And I'm surprised that I've survived all I put myself through

Before I knew better
Before I woke up
I did a whole lotta crazy foolish things I'm not proud of
It was just like me to risk it all
Even when the pain outweighed the pleasure
Before I knew better"
~ "Before I Knew Better" Brad Martin

I hope everyone else's weeks were a little less violent

Here's a summary of my week. I think it can best be summed up by the things that have been thrown at me: crayons, pencils, books, papers, shoes, medicine balls, bouncy balls, soccer balls, basketballs, a skateboard, and a desk - to name a few . . . I'm sure there were others. Not to mention being kicked, punched, some attempted bites (which I wasn't about to let happen), shoved, and my hair pulled. I won't even go over the number of bad names that I've been called. I'd like to keep my blog at least fairly censored.
Eh it really wasn't as bad as that paragraph makes it sound really. I'm just crabby cause today was especially rough and the kids were so loud that I have just had a raging headache all day. They just haven't learned to use their indoor voices when they tell you what a bitch you are! : )
Ok no really I did get lots of hugs this week and pictures drawn for me and kind words from the kids as well.
So this is why I haven't updated recently. By the time I get home I'm spent. I feel like I need 12 hours of sleep to keep up.
Well unfortunately I've already been sleeping on the couch for a while, Three Wishes is making me sad, and the house is now empty so I think I'm gonna head to bed to watch a movie. I just didn't want anyone to think that I'm an update slacker.